A year had departed since that fatal day

Everyday I pathologically relived those agonizing memories every(prenominal) detail had been scrutinized while sat in this chair being turn over chipped mugs of luke warm instant coffee in return for reassurance that I was facilitate present in this empty and hollow world.I never responded on that point was no point, hardly they gained their reassurance from my deep labou deprivation breathing and went away content. Id never enlightened any sensation as to my thoughts, my inner most feelings I had no single to trust.How could I trust them they held unwrap their cash in unmatchables chips and pulled me back from that cliff top, the single place I felt comfortable. They said they would help me. Instead they gave me a agency full of memories an environment where my goal was unattainable, and concluded for themselves a former why based on half truths and other messs opinions. He cant cope, despicable chap was a common phrase for gods sake I wasnt coping, I was planning.The y had people come to rally with me on a Tuesday. All kinds of people young, old, professional, dole fraudsters, priests.Some ms a familiar person would come and sit beside me whod talk at me and I wouldnt force myself to listen. Sometimes my ears would pick up as they talked about people who Id known and things Id done. I couldnt remember them scarcely they made sense. I never acknowledged them and they left in brief after, palpitation their heads and having a conference in the corridor at my expense.I only indisputable one person, and she was un feedable.This day had felt different from the outset something had unbalanced my quotidian and my usual blueprint of thought. I awoke a little earlier and glared round my room, my cage. This was not my home it was a prison for my thoughts.I ambled my way to the arse about it was an unsettling place, not pleasant like my lounge at home. Our lounge at home. Our home that was.Instead it was a mild form of hell. I regained my territoria l seat near the window and blocked out all the bawls and whimpers from my environs and stared aimlessly out onto the main road.It was morning rush hour and as my eyes filled and discharged, the lights of this d promotey winter morning mingled from one glossiness to another. I saw the box of tissues resting on the sideboard, their miserable attempt at do this unfamiliar room more homely, entirely I didnt reach for them.I could have looked round to see what was leaving on, but I knew. I heard the cries, the crashes, the screams of restraint and the eerie silence that followed. I knew that it was soon to be attach to by the sound of glass being swept, the tinkling like a wind chime blowing softly in the humid Barbados breeze of my honeymoon. Our honeymoon.Sat on the beach sipping cocktails and each night making passionate love in the most luxurious a resolvement in town. It was a happy thought I know but kind of it drew a tear.I stepped back into my world.Each day was identical. precisely not this day, today was a year since that horrendous day. The day I repeat in my head over and over, that I couldnt take flight from if I wanted to. But I didnt want to, I didnt want to escape from it, for escaping would be forgetting and I couldnt lose the pressures memories we had. Memories were all I have now.nought knew why I sat here looking at this road. near as well because if they did they wouldnt allow it. It was a constant reminder.Most age I would see the same white Astra with the same dinted bonnet and zestful bumper, pass over the same spot it did a year ago today. Some days it would be late but it would nearly forever be there. Sometimes I would see it on an evening, the new every which way applied Kill Your Speed sticker strategically on the rear bumper. It would always slow for the crossing. The driver always slowed for the crossing, but he hadnt one day. Maybe one was enough for him. Maybe he knew next time he wouldnt get off so lightly.They let me o ut, but I didnt want to go. The door is open, they said, sure it was open but I wasnt outlet to pass through it. I could see the world from the 4th business relationship lounge the windows were sealed shut. Shame, it would have been quick and painless, but not part of the plan.It was 9am she would have been on her way to work now. I would normally get her a lift, but not that day. That day she wanted to walk. A net goodbye kiss accompanied by a waving hand as she disappeared round the nook, the distinctive clicking of her heals disappearing.My house was just around the corner from here. Our house. Not anymore.My things had been put into storage and my landscaped garden has been bulldozed for a unbowed of low maintenance turf.It was nearly time to meet her. I got up from my seat and wandered to my room. I rummaged round my bedside draw until I found my blusher. It glinted in the light like a precious jewel. Some would say it looked sinister, but it was the only way I could joi n her, and I had made a promise so I had to keep it.I walked out of the room out of the door and down the four flights of steps to the ground. There was no need to rush, by the time they had noticed, Id have crossed over.I walked out of the suburbs until the houses thinned and the city life died away behind me. I passed down the stairs the neatly trimmed fern archway and into the grassy pastures where I knew I would picture her. Id only been here once before but I knew my way.When I reached where she lived now, I sat down. The ground was cold.I put my hand in my pocket and reached for my key. I watched with intent as I ran the cold coat down the un-weathered skin of my inner left arm. It tingled slightly. I placed the key back in my pocket and lay down, my left arm on the concrete.I closed my eyes and remembered how it had happened as I waited for the ice to melt down on the car windows I heard the screech of the brakes and the marrow wrenching scream.I remembered how I had dro pped the ice scraper and run along the puff dusted path to the crossing. I remembered how I had looked for her as I ran calling her distinguish louder with each step. I remembered seeing the windscreen of a white Astra smeared with red blood, and now in front if it she had lay there helplessly.No one had tried to help. I remembered how I had flopped to my knees and gazed into her eyes as she breathed poky and slower. How the sirens wailed in the background. How I had scooped her head in my arms, her long hair that had been so smartly and expertly tied into a tight bun bound(p) with a red ribbon ruffled. Her designer roof that I had bought her for Christmas ripped. I remember how she gazed back and pulled my head closer to hers and whispered Im not going to make it, am I? I remembered how I had croaked back the rupture and told her Wherever you go, I go. I cant live without you She smiled back at me, a tear rolled down her face and she whispered, I dont want to parting you. G od please dont let me. She gasped for breath but breath didnt come. She held me tight, looked at me as another tear rolled down her cheek and was accompanied by two of mine. I love you. Ill be with you soon I had said. She nodded and closed her eyes. Her arms relaxed and fell from around me.I had ran back to the house, fumbled at the lock with my frozen blood stained hands and grabbed the knife from the drawer. I had ran back to where she was. I cant have been longer then thirty seconds but by the time I got there all that was left was a pool of blood. An ambulance wailed down the street, taking her away from me. The knife had already drop into my wrist and thats when they pulled me back, that kind faced policeman had robbed me of fulfilling my pact and my promise.I subject my eyes I was here now. I felt weak as the blood poured from my left arm onto the cold gravestone. I looked at her stir and the faded flowers that her parents had painted onto the headstone.My eyes felt heavy but as my life flowed out onto her final resting place, the closest I could be to her, I could see her walking towards me.Her hair expertly tied in a tight bun bound with a red ribbon. The designer jacket I had bought her for Christmas. She reached out a hand and pulled me up.I took one hold water look back at myself, and followed her.